The Journey to My First Blog & The Fears I Met Along The Way
I’ve wanted to start a blog from the time I was conceived in my mothers womb (thanks mom&dad). No, but for real, it’s been a long time coming. I just always got caught up on what it would be about. So after months of internal debate with my ego, I’ve decided to just make this a public journal. A place for me to write about my life lessons as I learn them. A place that allows me to reflect in a peaceful way while at the same time, exposes me to a whole new level of vulnerability. So today’s blog is about exactly that: The Journey to My First Blog & The Fears I Met Along The Way.
In the last few months I’ve been really focused on becoming more present in the world of social media so I could work towards achieving a certain level of freedom. I’ve seen no other job in the world that offers the creative, monetary, physical and personal freedoms that being a “Content Creator” does. OF COURSE I’M GONNA TAKE MY SHOT. It’s almost crazier not to in this day in age. The only problems have been, I’ve come up against quite a few walls along the way that seems like they’re telling me to turn around. That I can’t climb them to strive on towards a life that I desire. That I don’t even deserve the things I desire. Why?? If I believe what I desire is the greatest good of all involved, including myself, why not?
See I grew up thinking my path of least resistance to those freedoms was through acting. So for 10 years, that’s what I pursued, starting at the age of 12. I later realized that what I truly wanted were those freedoms, not specifically an acting career. Unfortunately, along that path I was met with enough resistance that I built up in quite a few unhelpful and unkind beliefs about myself. Which continued to show up as more and more resistance through not getting callbacks, not booking auditions, and even not being able to lose weight (I’ll get into that more in another post soon).
So through my recent months of putting myself out there on social media, I’ve been meeting some of those same old beliefs and fears that create that same old resistance. One of the biggest beliefs that I’ve found exisiting at the bottom of almost every pile of my “negative” self-beliefs, is that “I’m Not Good Enough.” According to Abraham Hicks, the entity channeled by the inspirational speaker, channeler, and New York Times best-selling author, Ester Hicks, “a belief is only a thought you think A LOT.” It’s almost unbelievbale how much you notice this thought show up in your life when you boil down all of the other beliefs/thoughts that it triggers.
It has shown up for me in the past few months as thoughts/fears like:
-”I’m too stupid to create anything of value to others”
-”I’m not creative enough to create anything of value to others”
-”I’m too weak to handle criticism/others’ projections on to me”
-”I’m not funny enough to bring the gift of joy and laughter to others”
-”I’m not beautiful enough to be publicly confident”
-”I don’t deserve to have a supportive following, or any at all”
And so. many. more…
But I’ve entered a time in my life where I’m ready to let go of that layer of bullsh*t. There is no one in this world you should support and believe in more than YOU. Now of course this is not to say leave the one you love hanging and put yourself on this grand pedestal of “Being The Best.” It’s about you being able to trust yourself the most, to love yourself the most, to care for yourself the most, because at the end of the day if you have nothing else, you have you. I’m in a time where I’m ready to embody that and that requires me to let go of those old beliefs that stop me from doing what the f*ck I want to be doing to for myself.
Yes, there is a part of me that is still attached to the hero archetype. I want what I’m doing to save the world, whatever that looks like. In some way, shape, or form, I want whatever I do to help people find more love, peace, and freedom. But even some of history’s villains did what they did in the name of making the world a “better place.” So who knows whether I’ll be written as the hero or the villain in someone else’s history, down the line. I guess it depends on who writes it. Either way, I have zero real control. The belief that has been realized as a knowing these past few months: any control you think you have over someone else’s opinion of you is completely illusionary. And you have even less control when it comes to the internet. I bet you 90% of people on the interenet that are aware of your existance only have a mere fraction of context into who you are as a person. Are you even fully aware of all that you are? I sure as sh*t am not.
So I might as well strive to be the person that I was to be. That’s all I really can control.
